Live for today. Hope for tomorrow.

It’s been a good little while since I’ve posted, and a whole lot’s been happening. Little Dave just turned 4 months old two Sundays ago, already. He started rolling over the other day! All the way over, not just getting caught on his shoulder. And his new favorite way to sleep is on his side. He’s the happiest baby, and he looks more and more like his daddy every day. I can’t even remember what kind of meaning my life had before he was in it.

My health the last week or so has been kinda scary. The good thing is that I’m not contageous. I had a cold that turned into a sinus infection, that turned into bronchitis. The doctor said that even with an infection, there’s absolutely no reason that my white blood cell count should have been as high as it was — up over 17,000! So I was on antibiotics, and feel so much better. The reason I actually went in was because all of my upper body muscles were spasming so badly…it’s like when you get a cramp in the arch of your foot and it wont straighten out [and it hurts so bad!]…imagine that with the muscles in your shoulders and around the base of your ribcage. I was completely doubled over and couldnt straighten out. I was in so much pain before and after that I couldnt even pick up the baby. Very scary. On top of that, the doctor said I’m passing sugar through my urine, so I have to go back this week to make sure I havent developed diabetes. Even more scary.

David and I have been good, all things considered. I learned about a certain escapade of his, and under the influence of some very strong margaritas on Cinco de Mayo, I finally called him out on it. And kudos to him for owning up to what it was. We talked about it for nearly an hour, and after lots of tears [out of both of us] we said enough with the drama and agreed to put it behind us. Oddly enough, it feels so much better now that it’s out in the open, rather than just me thinking about it all the time.

I’ve had a couple of really bad emotional days too. I had my first “wow i’m a bad mom” moment the other night…David was having a party at his house, and of the only two hours I was there, I only spent about 20 minutes with everyone outside. We didnt have a babysitter, so I had to stay inside and take care of Little Dave, who decided that that was the best night to scream excessively with nothing to pacify him. After I got him into the car to leave, I just cried and cried. I found myself feeling resentful toward him because in some recess of my mind, I felt like he was almost intentionally keeping me from having fun. That thought made me feel terrible. I couldn’t believe that I actually felt like that, however briefly. Right after we got home, he took a nap for about an hour and woke up and smiled at me. As much of a pain in the butt he was that night, that smile made it all go away.

I miss how easy things used to be. Having a baby is such a demanding job, and it makes everything that much more dificult. But I honestly would not trade it for the world. On Sunday, the best “Happy Mothers Day” that I got was from David. I went to go pick up the baby after work, and he was half asleep on the couch. He woke up to give me a hug and whispered, “I love you, Tori. You’re such a great mom. The best mom.” =]